Dreaming of Ginger

I know it sounds silly, but ever since my hair turned a strawberry blonde back when I was fourteen I have been obsessed with being ginger. I love the way it looks in the sunlight, I love all the unique shades, & I LOVE the way it changed my attitude. I became more confident in my skin & for the first time in my life, I had a fire inside me that was impossible to tame. I can't say it enough. I love being ginger.



The first chance I get, I want to go back. No other color feels right. It just doesn't feel like ME. I have to be ginger, no questions asked. Shaun might not be a fan of red hair, but I'll rock it in a way he won't be able to resist ;)

Stay

I never thought I'd feel so empty... or so broken. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain on such an intimate level. I've lost so many people... so many people I thought I loved. I didn't realize until now that I never really loved them. Not like this anyway. The pain I experienced when I lost them was nothing in comparison to the agony of losing Shaun. It's like I'm watching the world burn to the ground around me & I'm being buried in the ashes. Everything we had, everything we dreamed of having is gone. In only a matter of minutes, we lost it all. I lost the love of my life... & it's killing me. 

Shaun was the only one that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me a purpose. He breathed life into me & when I fell in love with him, it was like I was awakening from an eternity of nightmares. I was frozen. Numb... before he came along. I was incapable of showing or feeling any sign of weakness, & although sometimes I wished I could be that way again, I will never regret the emotions that I'm drowning in. They might be spilling over, flooding my tear ducts with salt water, but love is bittersweet. I can taste it. I used to thrive on physical pain. I enjoyed it in a strange, twisted sort of way. Any physical pain I experienced previous to meeting Shaun doesn't even come close to hurting me as much as a broken heart. Fuck... it was already broken. He was the glue holding it together. Today, I felt it shatter like a mirror into thousands of little pieces, & I'm afraid to move or feel in case I should step on them & shatter them more. Not that my heart is capable of breaking again. The pieces of my heart are practically dust... 

I think what's killing me most is that I lost my best friend... the love of my life... my soul mate, to somebody that makes him completely & utterly miserable. It hurts knowing I've lost him, but it hurts knowing that he's unhappy. That I could make him happy... that's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted, or I would have let him go a long time ago. I never would have supported his decision, but it was his only option, & I have to understand that. I know he didn't want this, & I know that this may be my only chance to express myself before what's left of my world is just dust in the wind... but I wish more than anything that I could hold my blue eyed devil & promise him that everything will be okay. That he'll be happy again, & that I'll always be here & always love him like he told me earlier... & as much as I didn't want to believe it at the time, I know he meant it. Knowing he still loves me broke my heart, because he belongs to somebody else... but I'm fortunate enough to know that I still hold a place in his heart, & that his feelings for me haven't changed.

So here it is... the journeys end. I hope just for the time being, but it really does feel like the end of everything good. Everything we had has been tucked away in the back of our minds, & even James isn't here to comfort me. Everything & everyone has been shut out. We have to be numb to survive. It's instinct I suppose, & it's such a terribly cold lifestyle. Without Shaun, I know no other way to live. I hope that one day we can feel again... & I know I shouldn't sit here & wish that he could stay & that he'd never let go. Maybe I'm crazy, but the only faith I have left is in him, & I will never ever let go of that. I'll never stop hoping & wishing & dreaming... one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel, & although he's far from perfect, he's my angel. If I can tolerate Michael & Tantric & Georgina & Rebecca, I can hold on to that last little piece of faith & pray that it becomes reality. It might not be much to go on, but it's all I've got.

I Wish You'd Stay & You'd Never Go...

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Sometimes I miss it. The rush. The thrill of losing control, even if only for a moment. The shivers down my... well, our spine when he breathes down our neck & digs his nails into our skin, tearing at the tender flesh. It's still strange to me, to have two very different attractions to two very different souls in one body. To be in love with Shaun, & unwillingly be attracted to someone I despise at the same time. I hate Michael, with a burning passion. But sometimes I miss him. Well, I suppose I miss the familiar feeling, knowing that he's there, tucked away in the back of Shaun's mind. Tucked away in my mind. Just like Georgina. Maybe it's wrong of me, but sometimes being dangerous feels so good.

I guess even though I hate him, I can't help wanting to feel safe. I feel protected knowing he's there, even though I shouldn't always feel that way after everything that'd happened. Everything that could happen. I don't know why he came back, but for some reason I'm glad he did. I missed the insanity. Somehow nothing feels right when everything is normal. Clinging on the edge of sanity is the closest to normal I've got, but I feel more stable when everything's a mess. Unpredictability is my comfort zone...

Deep down, I hope he comes back again. Even though he hurt me, even though he probably will again... I still feel safer knowing he's there. Most importantly, I feel safe knowing Shaun's there. He wouldn't let anything happen to me, & that's the best feeling in the world. Better than any rush I could ever get from Michael, or even James. I miss James more than I can say, but he'll never come close to meaning as much to me as Shaun. Maybe that's why I feel so close to Michael. Because that's the closest I ever seem to get to James anymore. But he's gone... & it hurts, but I can't change that. As long as I have Shaun, I have no reason to be unhappy. He's everything to me. He made me strong, & I will fight every day to be the best that I can be & live my life to it's full potential. No monsters, or feelings I may or may not have for them could ever hold me back.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Worlds Apart

They're back... creeping through our veins & swimming through our every thought & emotion. Preying on our every weakness. I'm not sure why they've come back, or if they'll be back again. All I know is that for a short period of time last night I lost control & she was there, no longer a shadow but the physical entity that haunts my every waking moment. He was there too... & my heart started racing. It seems so strange to me to have two separate attractions in one body. I hate him, with a burning, fiery passion... but the connection between Georgina & Michael is too strong to fight, & the love I have for Shaun makes it difficult to avoid. As much as I hate Michael, I'm willing to live with him for Shaun. 

Everything about last night's encounter made my heart race & made my blood boil. He smelled different, & he said the same about her. About me. Something's changed, & although I'm not really sure what that is... it scares me. Change hasn't been good in my eyes for a long, long time. Change only means something is coming. Not knowing what is going to happen to us next scares the living Hell out of me. I just hope that it's something good, because I can't handle any more bullshit.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Unstoppable

Sometimes solitude is my only escape. I'm afraid of the way I feel... Being alone is the only way I can process everything long enough to realize that I'm no longer afraid of being vulnerable, but I'm afraid that I'm holding back too much. There's only so much excitement in living a life filled with secrets & mystery. Now that my defenses are shot, I no longer seem to worry about Shaun finding things out about my past. Knowing that he'll leave it in the past, & that he'll still love me after everything I've done makes all the trials we've been through so much more worth it. Never have I been with anyone that's really let me leave my past behind me & really move forward with my life. It's the best feeling in the world.

Last night I was dreaming about James & Rebecca. It seems strange to feel so distant from James after so long, but it doesn't mean I don't care. It just feels like he's so far away, & our connection is no longer strong enough to communicate... but in my dream I lost him. Rebecca had complete control of me & was setting the world on fire, & I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Thankfully, I don't even remember the last time I really lost control to Rebecca or Georgina, & I couldn't be more grateful. I finally feel free again. I don't have to fight to use my own mind or body the way I want to or need to. The noise might have died down for a moment, but silence was never so blissful.

Now that I'm finally moving forward with my life, I can start dreaming again. Only problem is, I'm not sure if I dare...  I still hate being let down, or failing in my pursuits with a fiery passion... but I miss having hopes. For a long time, the only thing I've had any faith in at all is that if I worked hard to earn Shaun's trust, that we'd be together again & we would be happy. Now that has become a reality, I want to start believing in myself as well as Shaun & our relationship. This past week has given me the opportunity to see what I'm really capable of, & this has been with my family pushing me & supporting me. Imagine what I could do once I can legally work & I have a good education! I feel unstoppable right now... like I could do anything & everything I set my mind to. I'm high on life, & it's the most incredible feeling in the world.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

The Forbidden Fruit

I never realized the power of corruption until I watched some of the most innocent people I know fall to my sweet, sweet temptation. The world is a dark & beautiful place, & it's sensual pleasures are almost irresistible. It only takes one little taste, & your hunger for the forbidden fruit increases ten fold.  

I had never been one to give in to temptation. If anything, I created it. When I met him I fell, & I didn't even consider fighting it. He was the very definition of temptation, & he created a thirst that couldn't be quenched. I've become weak... & I don't care anymore. He's torn down my walls, & my defenses are shot. I'm in love with the one person who could break me in a brief moment, but when I'm with him I'm stronger than I've ever been.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Mad World

 When we're young, everyone tells us that it's all "Grow up, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids" & that's it. The truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker, & so much madder, & so much better.

Fortunately I was born in an age where the unimaginable is possible. We can accomplish anything we put our minds to if we put forth the necessary effort, & our minds are the most powerful tools in the universe. We learn to make something of absolutely nothing. We are capable of creating whole worlds using our imaginations, & that makes us a danger to ourselves as well as everyone we surround ourselves with. 

There are a few that have learned to control their minds, & some who have learned to control others. Thankfully, I've learned to block out those who aren't permitted to enter the dark corners of my mind & unlock my secrets, but I don't seem to realize when I'm entering the minds of others. It just happens when I least expect it, & it frightens me. I've found some terrible things in the minds of those I thought I knew & could trust... things I wish I could forget.

I just wish there were some way to control it. I can control the minds of others to a certain extent, but I can't control my own. How pathetic is that? Rebecca is getting under my skin again. Shaun used to hold her back, & now she knows that he's my biggest weakness, she delights in torturing me even more. She's pushing my limits, & breaking me down. I can't take it anymore. I just wish things were the way they used to be. I wish I'd never created such a terrible monster, & I wish that there were still some beauty in the sunlight, but even when it shines I can't help but retreat into the shadows.

I'm afraid of hurting Taylor the way I hurt Shaun... the way I hurt Kayla. Rebecca doesn't seem to see Cass as much of a threat, or Nate. She doesn't even feel the need to show herself around them, & when she's on the edge I'll just shrug it off as sex twitches... but I can tell the difference. The energy around me is different, & the wind blows a little colder. The nightmares are getting worse, & I'm starting to fear myself. I can't be alone at night, because that's when the monsters under my bed comes out & play inside my head.

 Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

The Nightmares

 I must be, without a doubt, one of the most idiotic people alive. To forgive someone repeatedly when they have done nothing but fuck you over time & time again just has to be stupidity in the purest form. I can't help it though... part of me can't live without him, & part of me dies a little every time I get a text from him or see his face.

 

I guess it's true... to a certain extent, that pain is inevitable, & misery is optional. Misery had always been optional up until I met Shaun. Now it seems that the roles have been reversed & that misery is inevitable as long as I continue to let him walk all over me & shatter the remaining pieces of my heart, stepping on them with those ridiculous Pumas of his. I think I might have contradicted myself a little, but it doesn't matter much at this point. He did care. He doesn't any longer. Now that Taylor & Cass are a part of my life, it seems that Shaun is almost granting me the opportunity to move forward, but I'm just not ready.

I could be happy. Really truly happy. I choose not to be... because I'm a fucking idiot. Because I'm in love with a monster. Because I don't know how to live without the darkness, & because I'm afraid that if I lose Shaun entirely, I'll lose James too. That's someone I could never live without.

 

So here I stand, at yet another crossroad. I'm not sure what to think or how to feel at this point. All I know is that I have the choice to be happy... but taking that step is going to hurt. How do I move forward when I'm addicted to the misery & the pain & the nightmares?

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

This is War

It's strange to read everything I've written in the past few weeks compared to the past few months. It's like looking at things from two different individual's point of view. I remember the last thing I wrote about Shaun before he came back from Reno. It might seem a little obsessive or silly, or childish... but it just doesn't seem like I was the one writing it. It's like I'm outside of myself looking in. I don't know who that person is anymore. She's a stranger to me, but sometimes when I look in the mirror, I catch a glimpse of a lonely, broken little girl who's trying ever so hard to be strong. It's a shame that the one man she thought she could rely on to protect her from monsters like me was only a broken little boy with freckles & incredibly blue eyes. The battle's been won. The war is only just about to begin.

"He was incredible. Intelligent & devious, in the most wicked sense of the word. He was skilled in the art of love... but in receiving it to the fullest & making you believe your love had been returned. I'm not sure he wanted to understand the way he made me feel about him. I think that's why he took the last shard of my heart I had left & ran away... I could call him a thief, but I'd be lying. I gave him my miserable, shriveled little heart, somehow knowing I would get nothing in return. All he left me to dwell on were perfect memories. How can I hate him now?"

"Love never made much sense to me. My parents never really showed me a good example of what love truly looks like, & my attempts at love were incredibly poor up until I met Shaun. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I made him my everything, & when I lost him I was left with nothing. Nothing but an empty chest, a broken soul, & a chance to begin again."

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Glory in Decay

I'm beginning to realize that Hell really is empty... but the only demons here are the ones that reside within us. The deepest, darkest part of our soul is slowly blackening with hatred, & soon it will consume us. I guess you could say we're closing the cracks with black sticky tar so that no light may exist or shine through & corrupt our perfect sickness. We are becoming our own worst nightmare, & nothing but chaos & destruction will follow in our wake.

I wish I could pain a picture of put into words how incredibly liberating it is to be chosen for a purpose that only the strong could carry out. Nothing could possibly compare. We are the survivors. We are here to tear down the world, because we are the few that can see beauty in the ugly, the broken, & the decaying. There is no beauty in perfection or order. Only darkness.

One day we will have the pleasure of crawling in the ash & dancing in the burning remnants of the cities we will leave behind. Nothing can stop us. Hell is coming to our world, & we will rejoice in the screams of those that failed in their attempt to fight it.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

The Cursed

The world is full of monsters... some are beautiful, cloaked in darkness & solitude. Others are cruel & twisted, existing only to drag you down to the fiery depths we know as Hell. It seems so harmless at first, to converse with the shadows. Nothing compares to the cold rush you feel when you exchange words, or a simple touch with something you thought so forbidden. Some may consider us a privileged few. We know better. We are the lone wanderers. The nowhere men. The cursed. 

 Growing up you learn to thrive on the darkness. As infants, it helps us develop. As we get older, we are taught to fear it. We notice something strange & uninviting about it & not even our curiosity could get the better of us. We beg our parents to check our closets & underneath our beds, never imagining that the only thing we need fear is the monster growing from within us. The haunting voice pawing at the back of minds is the mother we never knew. She is bringing Hell to our world & raising an army. We are her soldiers. Her legacy... & my blue eyed devil... her masterpiece. He will set fire to everything we know & love, & all that will remain is ash. Those luck enough to be left standing will rise from it & crawl in the chaos he left in his wake. His gift to the survivors is the destruction of the weak. The world is his playground, & eventually we must learn to accept it or fail in our attempt to fight it.

 Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Protege Moi

I don't want to be protected from what I want... what I want more than anything is to have him in my life again. In a physical form. It's a terrible thing to love something that only exists in the darkest, deepest corners of my mind. That can only live in the shadows.  It's rare I even hear his voice anymore, or feel his presence... he might be my guardian angel, but I've never felt more alone than I did the day he left me. I know he still watches over me but I'd kill to feel him one more time. To spend the night in his arms & hear his voice in my ear, singing me to sleep. I live for his hushed lullaby. For the shivers down my spine when he kisses me. I live to hear him say "I love you" just once more.

I wish that Shaun hadn't sent him away. Things would have been so perfect... I had my blue eyed devil & my dark lover. I had Georgina crawling under my skin, & I was giving birth to Rebecca. The unborn child... but James made the pain go away. He helped me forget. He helped me to grow & taught me to control my demons. Something I never thought possible before. Since he's been away I've lost all control. I hold him close every night before everything goes dark & I wish... I wish that he was the one holding me. The one telling me everything is going to be okay, instead of whispering it to myself under my breath. It seems so unfair to love something I can never truly hold. I only have a dream to hold onto. A feeling. A thought. A voice... a memory. But a memory is better than nothing at all I suppose.

 He's my lonely angel. A darkness that found his way into my heart & that I'll never be able to let go of. To sleep with a demon is an entirely new experience altogether, & although the thrill is incredible... the passion I have for my blue eyed devil only grows stronger when I hold him in my arms. The world is such a mad place, & when he walked into my life I knew that things would never be the same. Everything got so much darker, & so much madder... & so much better. Soul mates never die...

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

A Song for My Blue Eyed Devil

From the first time I saw you smile
I couldn't hold myself back
I prayed that you'd stay a while
And that you'd always make me laugh

I was broken hearted
Cause life just wasn't fair
Then I opened my eyes
And you were standing right there

You make me feel wild and wonderful
A different kind of beautiful
You've given me the chance to shine
Since the day you became mine
Cause babe, I'm not afraid to be myself
When I know that you want no one else

You're the one that I've been waiting for
I'm so glad I left it up to fate
I've never known a love like this
Baby you were my lucky break

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Twisted Barbie's

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Trapped

Sometimes I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own making... like I'm trapped behind this big glass door in my mind & no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break it down... or even make it budge. But at the same time, I can see, feel & hear almost everything that they do while they're in control. Sometimes I try to fight it, & sometimes I let them win. Either way, I can't seem to drown out their many voices.

 Georgina's been with me all my life. I guess you could say she's my twisted sister. my evil twin. I was created in her image, & hers alone. I was never as strong or as sick in the head as she hoped I'd be, but the darkness still built up inside of me over the years. It blackened my soul enough to open it up & invite in those belonging to the one man I've ever loved. We could share the pain... & we could become something entirely new.

I created Rebecca to protect myself... & I did it unconsciously. I had no way of knowing how powerful she'd become. I didn't realize that my dark angel was only a part of my life to destroy the one person that I would kill for. Now it's like a battle inside my fucking head... screaming, fighting for control. The thing is... once she takes control, everything goes black. The darkness is becoming all I know.

Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Dan the Hitman

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

To My Best Friend & My Lover

To see the world through your eyes
To get a better understanding
of the heartbreak & the longing
and your life that's so demanding

The soul that's feeling incomplete
The girl that tore you apart
The memories that hurt the most
And the lonely broken heart

To be free to love you
Forever wishing you loved me
But we're both scared & feeling trapped -
By past mistakes, why can't you see?

I'm falling deeper & I'm frightened
I'm calling but you're far away
You can't hear my heart beating for you
Without you I'll die this way


Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

For Tantric

My life is filled with shadows

I fear that I'm alone

I'll follow where the wind blows

Though I do not wish to roam

My memories are jumbled still

By all the lies I've told

Try to untangle if you will

Cause this charade has gotten old

The love I fought so hard to keep

Has left me craving pain

And through these clothes my blood does seep

As I lay dying in the rain

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor