Dreaming of Ginger

I know it sounds silly, but ever since my hair turned a strawberry blonde back when I was fourteen I have been obsessed with being ginger. I love the way it looks in the sunlight, I love all the unique shades, & I LOVE the way it changed my attitude. I became more confident in my skin & for the first time in my life, I had a fire inside me that was impossible to tame. I can't say it enough. I love being ginger.



The first chance I get, I want to go back. No other color feels right. It just doesn't feel like ME. I have to be ginger, no questions asked. Shaun might not be a fan of red hair, but I'll rock it in a way he won't be able to resist ;)

Stay

I never thought I'd feel so empty... or so broken. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain on such an intimate level. I've lost so many people... so many people I thought I loved. I didn't realize until now that I never really loved them. Not like this anyway. The pain I experienced when I lost them was nothing in comparison to the agony of losing Shaun. It's like I'm watching the world burn to the ground around me & I'm being buried in the ashes. Everything we had, everything we dreamed of having is gone. In only a matter of minutes, we lost it all. I lost the love of my life... & it's killing me. 

Shaun was the only one that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me a purpose. He breathed life into me & when I fell in love with him, it was like I was awakening from an eternity of nightmares. I was frozen. Numb... before he came along. I was incapable of showing or feeling any sign of weakness, & although sometimes I wished I could be that way again, I will never regret the emotions that I'm drowning in. They might be spilling over, flooding my tear ducts with salt water, but love is bittersweet. I can taste it. I used to thrive on physical pain. I enjoyed it in a strange, twisted sort of way. Any physical pain I experienced previous to meeting Shaun doesn't even come close to hurting me as much as a broken heart. Fuck... it was already broken. He was the glue holding it together. Today, I felt it shatter like a mirror into thousands of little pieces, & I'm afraid to move or feel in case I should step on them & shatter them more. Not that my heart is capable of breaking again. The pieces of my heart are practically dust... 

I think what's killing me most is that I lost my best friend... the love of my life... my soul mate, to somebody that makes him completely & utterly miserable. It hurts knowing I've lost him, but it hurts knowing that he's unhappy. That I could make him happy... that's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted, or I would have let him go a long time ago. I never would have supported his decision, but it was his only option, & I have to understand that. I know he didn't want this, & I know that this may be my only chance to express myself before what's left of my world is just dust in the wind... but I wish more than anything that I could hold my blue eyed devil & promise him that everything will be okay. That he'll be happy again, & that I'll always be here & always love him like he told me earlier... & as much as I didn't want to believe it at the time, I know he meant it. Knowing he still loves me broke my heart, because he belongs to somebody else... but I'm fortunate enough to know that I still hold a place in his heart, & that his feelings for me haven't changed.

So here it is... the journeys end. I hope just for the time being, but it really does feel like the end of everything good. Everything we had has been tucked away in the back of our minds, & even James isn't here to comfort me. Everything & everyone has been shut out. We have to be numb to survive. It's instinct I suppose, & it's such a terribly cold lifestyle. Without Shaun, I know no other way to live. I hope that one day we can feel again... & I know I shouldn't sit here & wish that he could stay & that he'd never let go. Maybe I'm crazy, but the only faith I have left is in him, & I will never ever let go of that. I'll never stop hoping & wishing & dreaming... one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel, & although he's far from perfect, he's my angel. If I can tolerate Michael & Tantric & Georgina & Rebecca, I can hold on to that last little piece of faith & pray that it becomes reality. It might not be much to go on, but it's all I've got.

I Wish You'd Stay & You'd Never Go...

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Sometimes I miss it. The rush. The thrill of losing control, even if only for a moment. The shivers down my... well, our spine when he breathes down our neck & digs his nails into our skin, tearing at the tender flesh. It's still strange to me, to have two very different attractions to two very different souls in one body. To be in love with Shaun, & unwillingly be attracted to someone I despise at the same time. I hate Michael, with a burning passion. But sometimes I miss him. Well, I suppose I miss the familiar feeling, knowing that he's there, tucked away in the back of Shaun's mind. Tucked away in my mind. Just like Georgina. Maybe it's wrong of me, but sometimes being dangerous feels so good.

I guess even though I hate him, I can't help wanting to feel safe. I feel protected knowing he's there, even though I shouldn't always feel that way after everything that'd happened. Everything that could happen. I don't know why he came back, but for some reason I'm glad he did. I missed the insanity. Somehow nothing feels right when everything is normal. Clinging on the edge of sanity is the closest to normal I've got, but I feel more stable when everything's a mess. Unpredictability is my comfort zone...

Deep down, I hope he comes back again. Even though he hurt me, even though he probably will again... I still feel safer knowing he's there. Most importantly, I feel safe knowing Shaun's there. He wouldn't let anything happen to me, & that's the best feeling in the world. Better than any rush I could ever get from Michael, or even James. I miss James more than I can say, but he'll never come close to meaning as much to me as Shaun. Maybe that's why I feel so close to Michael. Because that's the closest I ever seem to get to James anymore. But he's gone... & it hurts, but I can't change that. As long as I have Shaun, I have no reason to be unhappy. He's everything to me. He made me strong, & I will fight every day to be the best that I can be & live my life to it's full potential. No monsters, or feelings I may or may not have for them could ever hold me back.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor