Something Wicked This Way Comes

Sometimes I miss it. The rush. The thrill of losing control, even if only for a moment. The shivers down my... well, our spine when he breathes down our neck & digs his nails into our skin, tearing at the tender flesh. It's still strange to me, to have two very different attractions to two very different souls in one body. To be in love with Shaun, & unwillingly be attracted to someone I despise at the same time. I hate Michael, with a burning passion. But sometimes I miss him. Well, I suppose I miss the familiar feeling, knowing that he's there, tucked away in the back of Shaun's mind. Tucked away in my mind. Just like Georgina. Maybe it's wrong of me, but sometimes being dangerous feels so good.

I guess even though I hate him, I can't help wanting to feel safe. I feel protected knowing he's there, even though I shouldn't always feel that way after everything that'd happened. Everything that could happen. I don't know why he came back, but for some reason I'm glad he did. I missed the insanity. Somehow nothing feels right when everything is normal. Clinging on the edge of sanity is the closest to normal I've got, but I feel more stable when everything's a mess. Unpredictability is my comfort zone...

Deep down, I hope he comes back again. Even though he hurt me, even though he probably will again... I still feel safer knowing he's there. Most importantly, I feel safe knowing Shaun's there. He wouldn't let anything happen to me, & that's the best feeling in the world. Better than any rush I could ever get from Michael, or even James. I miss James more than I can say, but he'll never come close to meaning as much to me as Shaun. Maybe that's why I feel so close to Michael. Because that's the closest I ever seem to get to James anymore. But he's gone... & it hurts, but I can't change that. As long as I have Shaun, I have no reason to be unhappy. He's everything to me. He made me strong, & I will fight every day to be the best that I can be & live my life to it's full potential. No monsters, or feelings I may or may not have for them could ever hold me back.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor