Stay

I never thought I'd feel so empty... or so broken. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain on such an intimate level. I've lost so many people... so many people I thought I loved. I didn't realize until now that I never really loved them. Not like this anyway. The pain I experienced when I lost them was nothing in comparison to the agony of losing Shaun. It's like I'm watching the world burn to the ground around me & I'm being buried in the ashes. Everything we had, everything we dreamed of having is gone. In only a matter of minutes, we lost it all. I lost the love of my life... & it's killing me. 

Shaun was the only one that filled the emptiness inside. He gave me a purpose. He breathed life into me & when I fell in love with him, it was like I was awakening from an eternity of nightmares. I was frozen. Numb... before he came along. I was incapable of showing or feeling any sign of weakness, & although sometimes I wished I could be that way again, I will never regret the emotions that I'm drowning in. They might be spilling over, flooding my tear ducts with salt water, but love is bittersweet. I can taste it. I used to thrive on physical pain. I enjoyed it in a strange, twisted sort of way. Any physical pain I experienced previous to meeting Shaun doesn't even come close to hurting me as much as a broken heart. Fuck... it was already broken. He was the glue holding it together. Today, I felt it shatter like a mirror into thousands of little pieces, & I'm afraid to move or feel in case I should step on them & shatter them more. Not that my heart is capable of breaking again. The pieces of my heart are practically dust... 

I think what's killing me most is that I lost my best friend... the love of my life... my soul mate, to somebody that makes him completely & utterly miserable. It hurts knowing I've lost him, but it hurts knowing that he's unhappy. That I could make him happy... that's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted, or I would have let him go a long time ago. I never would have supported his decision, but it was his only option, & I have to understand that. I know he didn't want this, & I know that this may be my only chance to express myself before what's left of my world is just dust in the wind... but I wish more than anything that I could hold my blue eyed devil & promise him that everything will be okay. That he'll be happy again, & that I'll always be here & always love him like he told me earlier... & as much as I didn't want to believe it at the time, I know he meant it. Knowing he still loves me broke my heart, because he belongs to somebody else... but I'm fortunate enough to know that I still hold a place in his heart, & that his feelings for me haven't changed.

So here it is... the journeys end. I hope just for the time being, but it really does feel like the end of everything good. Everything we had has been tucked away in the back of our minds, & even James isn't here to comfort me. Everything & everyone has been shut out. We have to be numb to survive. It's instinct I suppose, & it's such a terribly cold lifestyle. Without Shaun, I know no other way to live. I hope that one day we can feel again... & I know I shouldn't sit here & wish that he could stay & that he'd never let go. Maybe I'm crazy, but the only faith I have left is in him, & I will never ever let go of that. I'll never stop hoping & wishing & dreaming... one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel, & although he's far from perfect, he's my angel. If I can tolerate Michael & Tantric & Georgina & Rebecca, I can hold on to that last little piece of faith & pray that it becomes reality. It might not be much to go on, but it's all I've got.

I Wish You'd Stay & You'd Never Go...

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Sometimes I miss it. The rush. The thrill of losing control, even if only for a moment. The shivers down my... well, our spine when he breathes down our neck & digs his nails into our skin, tearing at the tender flesh. It's still strange to me, to have two very different attractions to two very different souls in one body. To be in love with Shaun, & unwillingly be attracted to someone I despise at the same time. I hate Michael, with a burning passion. But sometimes I miss him. Well, I suppose I miss the familiar feeling, knowing that he's there, tucked away in the back of Shaun's mind. Tucked away in my mind. Just like Georgina. Maybe it's wrong of me, but sometimes being dangerous feels so good.

I guess even though I hate him, I can't help wanting to feel safe. I feel protected knowing he's there, even though I shouldn't always feel that way after everything that'd happened. Everything that could happen. I don't know why he came back, but for some reason I'm glad he did. I missed the insanity. Somehow nothing feels right when everything is normal. Clinging on the edge of sanity is the closest to normal I've got, but I feel more stable when everything's a mess. Unpredictability is my comfort zone...

Deep down, I hope he comes back again. Even though he hurt me, even though he probably will again... I still feel safer knowing he's there. Most importantly, I feel safe knowing Shaun's there. He wouldn't let anything happen to me, & that's the best feeling in the world. Better than any rush I could ever get from Michael, or even James. I miss James more than I can say, but he'll never come close to meaning as much to me as Shaun. Maybe that's why I feel so close to Michael. Because that's the closest I ever seem to get to James anymore. But he's gone... & it hurts, but I can't change that. As long as I have Shaun, I have no reason to be unhappy. He's everything to me. He made me strong, & I will fight every day to be the best that I can be & live my life to it's full potential. No monsters, or feelings I may or may not have for them could ever hold me back.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Worlds Apart

They're back... creeping through our veins & swimming through our every thought & emotion. Preying on our every weakness. I'm not sure why they've come back, or if they'll be back again. All I know is that for a short period of time last night I lost control & she was there, no longer a shadow but the physical entity that haunts my every waking moment. He was there too... & my heart started racing. It seems so strange to me to have two separate attractions in one body. I hate him, with a burning, fiery passion... but the connection between Georgina & Michael is too strong to fight, & the love I have for Shaun makes it difficult to avoid. As much as I hate Michael, I'm willing to live with him for Shaun. 

Everything about last night's encounter made my heart race & made my blood boil. He smelled different, & he said the same about her. About me. Something's changed, & although I'm not really sure what that is... it scares me. Change hasn't been good in my eyes for a long, long time. Change only means something is coming. Not knowing what is going to happen to us next scares the living Hell out of me. I just hope that it's something good, because I can't handle any more bullshit.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Unstoppable

Sometimes solitude is my only escape. I'm afraid of the way I feel... Being alone is the only way I can process everything long enough to realize that I'm no longer afraid of being vulnerable, but I'm afraid that I'm holding back too much. There's only so much excitement in living a life filled with secrets & mystery. Now that my defenses are shot, I no longer seem to worry about Shaun finding things out about my past. Knowing that he'll leave it in the past, & that he'll still love me after everything I've done makes all the trials we've been through so much more worth it. Never have I been with anyone that's really let me leave my past behind me & really move forward with my life. It's the best feeling in the world.

Last night I was dreaming about James & Rebecca. It seems strange to feel so distant from James after so long, but it doesn't mean I don't care. It just feels like he's so far away, & our connection is no longer strong enough to communicate... but in my dream I lost him. Rebecca had complete control of me & was setting the world on fire, & I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. Thankfully, I don't even remember the last time I really lost control to Rebecca or Georgina, & I couldn't be more grateful. I finally feel free again. I don't have to fight to use my own mind or body the way I want to or need to. The noise might have died down for a moment, but silence was never so blissful.

Now that I'm finally moving forward with my life, I can start dreaming again. Only problem is, I'm not sure if I dare...  I still hate being let down, or failing in my pursuits with a fiery passion... but I miss having hopes. For a long time, the only thing I've had any faith in at all is that if I worked hard to earn Shaun's trust, that we'd be together again & we would be happy. Now that has become a reality, I want to start believing in myself as well as Shaun & our relationship. This past week has given me the opportunity to see what I'm really capable of, & this has been with my family pushing me & supporting me. Imagine what I could do once I can legally work & I have a good education! I feel unstoppable right now... like I could do anything & everything I set my mind to. I'm high on life, & it's the most incredible feeling in the world.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

The Forbidden Fruit

I never realized the power of corruption until I watched some of the most innocent people I know fall to my sweet, sweet temptation. The world is a dark & beautiful place, & it's sensual pleasures are almost irresistible. It only takes one little taste, & your hunger for the forbidden fruit increases ten fold.  

I had never been one to give in to temptation. If anything, I created it. When I met him I fell, & I didn't even consider fighting it. He was the very definition of temptation, & he created a thirst that couldn't be quenched. I've become weak... & I don't care anymore. He's torn down my walls, & my defenses are shot. I'm in love with the one person who could break me in a brief moment, but when I'm with him I'm stronger than I've ever been.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor