Mad World

 When we're young, everyone tells us that it's all "Grow up, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids" & that's it. The truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker, & so much madder, & so much better.

Fortunately I was born in an age where the unimaginable is possible. We can accomplish anything we put our minds to if we put forth the necessary effort, & our minds are the most powerful tools in the universe. We learn to make something of absolutely nothing. We are capable of creating whole worlds using our imaginations, & that makes us a danger to ourselves as well as everyone we surround ourselves with. 

There are a few that have learned to control their minds, & some who have learned to control others. Thankfully, I've learned to block out those who aren't permitted to enter the dark corners of my mind & unlock my secrets, but I don't seem to realize when I'm entering the minds of others. It just happens when I least expect it, & it frightens me. I've found some terrible things in the minds of those I thought I knew & could trust... things I wish I could forget.

I just wish there were some way to control it. I can control the minds of others to a certain extent, but I can't control my own. How pathetic is that? Rebecca is getting under my skin again. Shaun used to hold her back, & now she knows that he's my biggest weakness, she delights in torturing me even more. She's pushing my limits, & breaking me down. I can't take it anymore. I just wish things were the way they used to be. I wish I'd never created such a terrible monster, & I wish that there were still some beauty in the sunlight, but even when it shines I can't help but retreat into the shadows.

I'm afraid of hurting Taylor the way I hurt Shaun... the way I hurt Kayla. Rebecca doesn't seem to see Cass as much of a threat, or Nate. She doesn't even feel the need to show herself around them, & when she's on the edge I'll just shrug it off as sex twitches... but I can tell the difference. The energy around me is different, & the wind blows a little colder. The nightmares are getting worse, & I'm starting to fear myself. I can't be alone at night, because that's when the monsters under my bed comes out & play inside my head.

 Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

The Nightmares

 I must be, without a doubt, one of the most idiotic people alive. To forgive someone repeatedly when they have done nothing but fuck you over time & time again just has to be stupidity in the purest form. I can't help it though... part of me can't live without him, & part of me dies a little every time I get a text from him or see his face.

 

I guess it's true... to a certain extent, that pain is inevitable, & misery is optional. Misery had always been optional up until I met Shaun. Now it seems that the roles have been reversed & that misery is inevitable as long as I continue to let him walk all over me & shatter the remaining pieces of my heart, stepping on them with those ridiculous Pumas of his. I think I might have contradicted myself a little, but it doesn't matter much at this point. He did care. He doesn't any longer. Now that Taylor & Cass are a part of my life, it seems that Shaun is almost granting me the opportunity to move forward, but I'm just not ready.

I could be happy. Really truly happy. I choose not to be... because I'm a fucking idiot. Because I'm in love with a monster. Because I don't know how to live without the darkness, & because I'm afraid that if I lose Shaun entirely, I'll lose James too. That's someone I could never live without.

 

So here I stand, at yet another crossroad. I'm not sure what to think or how to feel at this point. All I know is that I have the choice to be happy... but taking that step is going to hurt. How do I move forward when I'm addicted to the misery & the pain & the nightmares?

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

This is War

It's strange to read everything I've written in the past few weeks compared to the past few months. It's like looking at things from two different individual's point of view. I remember the last thing I wrote about Shaun before he came back from Reno. It might seem a little obsessive or silly, or childish... but it just doesn't seem like I was the one writing it. It's like I'm outside of myself looking in. I don't know who that person is anymore. She's a stranger to me, but sometimes when I look in the mirror, I catch a glimpse of a lonely, broken little girl who's trying ever so hard to be strong. It's a shame that the one man she thought she could rely on to protect her from monsters like me was only a broken little boy with freckles & incredibly blue eyes. The battle's been won. The war is only just about to begin.

"He was incredible. Intelligent & devious, in the most wicked sense of the word. He was skilled in the art of love... but in receiving it to the fullest & making you believe your love had been returned. I'm not sure he wanted to understand the way he made me feel about him. I think that's why he took the last shard of my heart I had left & ran away... I could call him a thief, but I'd be lying. I gave him my miserable, shriveled little heart, somehow knowing I would get nothing in return. All he left me to dwell on were perfect memories. How can I hate him now?"

"Love never made much sense to me. My parents never really showed me a good example of what love truly looks like, & my attempts at love were incredibly poor up until I met Shaun. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I made him my everything, & when I lost him I was left with nothing. Nothing but an empty chest, a broken soul, & a chance to begin again."

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Glory in Decay

I'm beginning to realize that Hell really is empty... but the only demons here are the ones that reside within us. The deepest, darkest part of our soul is slowly blackening with hatred, & soon it will consume us. I guess you could say we're closing the cracks with black sticky tar so that no light may exist or shine through & corrupt our perfect sickness. We are becoming our own worst nightmare, & nothing but chaos & destruction will follow in our wake.

I wish I could pain a picture of put into words how incredibly liberating it is to be chosen for a purpose that only the strong could carry out. Nothing could possibly compare. We are the survivors. We are here to tear down the world, because we are the few that can see beauty in the ugly, the broken, & the decaying. There is no beauty in perfection or order. Only darkness.

One day we will have the pleasure of crawling in the ash & dancing in the burning remnants of the cities we will leave behind. Nothing can stop us. Hell is coming to our world, & we will rejoice in the screams of those that failed in their attempt to fight it.

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

The Cursed

The world is full of monsters... some are beautiful, cloaked in darkness & solitude. Others are cruel & twisted, existing only to drag you down to the fiery depths we know as Hell. It seems so harmless at first, to converse with the shadows. Nothing compares to the cold rush you feel when you exchange words, or a simple touch with something you thought so forbidden. Some may consider us a privileged few. We know better. We are the lone wanderers. The nowhere men. The cursed. 

 Growing up you learn to thrive on the darkness. As infants, it helps us develop. As we get older, we are taught to fear it. We notice something strange & uninviting about it & not even our curiosity could get the better of us. We beg our parents to check our closets & underneath our beds, never imagining that the only thing we need fear is the monster growing from within us. The haunting voice pawing at the back of minds is the mother we never knew. She is bringing Hell to our world & raising an army. We are her soldiers. Her legacy... & my blue eyed devil... her masterpiece. He will set fire to everything we know & love, & all that will remain is ash. Those luck enough to be left standing will rise from it & crawl in the chaos he left in his wake. His gift to the survivors is the destruction of the weak. The world is his playground, & eventually we must learn to accept it or fail in our attempt to fight it.

 Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Protege Moi

I don't want to be protected from what I want... what I want more than anything is to have him in my life again. In a physical form. It's a terrible thing to love something that only exists in the darkest, deepest corners of my mind. That can only live in the shadows.  It's rare I even hear his voice anymore, or feel his presence... he might be my guardian angel, but I've never felt more alone than I did the day he left me. I know he still watches over me but I'd kill to feel him one more time. To spend the night in his arms & hear his voice in my ear, singing me to sleep. I live for his hushed lullaby. For the shivers down my spine when he kisses me. I live to hear him say "I love you" just once more.

I wish that Shaun hadn't sent him away. Things would have been so perfect... I had my blue eyed devil & my dark lover. I had Georgina crawling under my skin, & I was giving birth to Rebecca. The unborn child... but James made the pain go away. He helped me forget. He helped me to grow & taught me to control my demons. Something I never thought possible before. Since he's been away I've lost all control. I hold him close every night before everything goes dark & I wish... I wish that he was the one holding me. The one telling me everything is going to be okay, instead of whispering it to myself under my breath. It seems so unfair to love something I can never truly hold. I only have a dream to hold onto. A feeling. A thought. A voice... a memory. But a memory is better than nothing at all I suppose.

 He's my lonely angel. A darkness that found his way into my heart & that I'll never be able to let go of. To sleep with a demon is an entirely new experience altogether, & although the thrill is incredible... the passion I have for my blue eyed devil only grows stronger when I hold him in my arms. The world is such a mad place, & when he walked into my life I knew that things would never be the same. Everything got so much darker, & so much madder... & so much better. Soul mates never die...

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

A Song for My Blue Eyed Devil

From the first time I saw you smile
I couldn't hold myself back
I prayed that you'd stay a while
And that you'd always make me laugh

I was broken hearted
Cause life just wasn't fair
Then I opened my eyes
And you were standing right there

You make me feel wild and wonderful
A different kind of beautiful
You've given me the chance to shine
Since the day you became mine
Cause babe, I'm not afraid to be myself
When I know that you want no one else

You're the one that I've been waiting for
I'm so glad I left it up to fate
I've never known a love like this
Baby you were my lucky break

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Twisted Barbie's

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Trapped

Sometimes I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own making... like I'm trapped behind this big glass door in my mind & no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break it down... or even make it budge. But at the same time, I can see, feel & hear almost everything that they do while they're in control. Sometimes I try to fight it, & sometimes I let them win. Either way, I can't seem to drown out their many voices.

 Georgina's been with me all my life. I guess you could say she's my twisted sister. my evil twin. I was created in her image, & hers alone. I was never as strong or as sick in the head as she hoped I'd be, but the darkness still built up inside of me over the years. It blackened my soul enough to open it up & invite in those belonging to the one man I've ever loved. We could share the pain... & we could become something entirely new.

I created Rebecca to protect myself... & I did it unconsciously. I had no way of knowing how powerful she'd become. I didn't realize that my dark angel was only a part of my life to destroy the one person that I would kill for. Now it's like a battle inside my fucking head... screaming, fighting for control. The thing is... once she takes control, everything goes black. The darkness is becoming all I know.

Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

Dan the Hitman

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

To My Best Friend & My Lover

To see the world through your eyes
To get a better understanding
of the heartbreak & the longing
and your life that's so demanding

The soul that's feeling incomplete
The girl that tore you apart
The memories that hurt the most
And the lonely broken heart

To be free to love you
Forever wishing you loved me
But we're both scared & feeling trapped -
By past mistakes, why can't you see?

I'm falling deeper & I'm frightened
I'm calling but you're far away
You can't hear my heart beating for you
Without you I'll die this way


Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor

For Tantric

My life is filled with shadows

I fear that I'm alone

I'll follow where the wind blows

Though I do not wish to roam

My memories are jumbled still

By all the lies I've told

Try to untangle if you will

Cause this charade has gotten old

The love I fought so hard to keep

Has left me craving pain

And through these clothes my blood does seep

As I lay dying in the rain

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor