The Nightmares

 I must be, without a doubt, one of the most idiotic people alive. To forgive someone repeatedly when they have done nothing but fuck you over time & time again just has to be stupidity in the purest form. I can't help it though... part of me can't live without him, & part of me dies a little every time I get a text from him or see his face.

 

I guess it's true... to a certain extent, that pain is inevitable, & misery is optional. Misery had always been optional up until I met Shaun. Now it seems that the roles have been reversed & that misery is inevitable as long as I continue to let him walk all over me & shatter the remaining pieces of my heart, stepping on them with those ridiculous Pumas of his. I think I might have contradicted myself a little, but it doesn't matter much at this point. He did care. He doesn't any longer. Now that Taylor & Cass are a part of my life, it seems that Shaun is almost granting me the opportunity to move forward, but I'm just not ready.

I could be happy. Really truly happy. I choose not to be... because I'm a fucking idiot. Because I'm in love with a monster. Because I don't know how to live without the darkness, & because I'm afraid that if I lose Shaun entirely, I'll lose James too. That's someone I could never live without.

 

So here I stand, at yet another crossroad. I'm not sure what to think or how to feel at this point. All I know is that I have the choice to be happy... but taking that step is going to hurt. How do I move forward when I'm addicted to the misery & the pain & the nightmares?

Everything I'm Not Made Me Everything I Am

Lea-Georgina Taylor